Introducing Sidney into a Covid world…

I absolutely couldn’t wait to leave hospital.

I loved the moments with Mike after birth, the moment we were just in our little family bubble. The three of us. United at last. However, I was so eager to get home and begin our new family life.

It was really hard to know what the right thing to do was when it came to introducing Sidney to the world. During the first lockdown everything felt quite uncertain. The majority were tuning in to the Government’s daily briefings and doing exactly what they were told. We knew so little about the virus at this stage, and therefore we went into protective mode. We had to.

After leaving hospital, Mike and I isolated with Sidney for two weeks. For us, this was the right thing to do. On reflection, I’m still happy we made this decision. After all, we had just been in hospital, been cared for by NHS staff who were faced with the virus daily. The midwives told me, whether you test positive for Covid or not, the care is all the same and in the same location. The difference is you might be given a private room afterwards for the rest of your stay. Not only were we being cautious of people seeing Sidney, we had put ourselves at risk of catching Covid and therefore we were now a risk to our family and friends.

Family members were so excited to meet him and see him, but they knew it had to be from afar. First meetings were through a window and unfortunately they could not hold him. Initially this was due to the fact we had all been in hospital, where there was Covid present. Afterwards, it was being cautious of how other people were treating the current climate and risks.

A lot of people said they didn’t care, and that they were just desperate to hold Sidney, but that didn’t matter to us. We cared. And dealing with a newborn was enough, the last thing we needed was someone getting ill because of us on our conscience.

On the way home from hospital, I asked Mike to drive home via my parents house, and his Mums house. This was knowing we had to isolate, and so they could see Sidney from his car seat and have a peek at their grandson. This was our Dominic Cummings moment. But I would argue this one is more forgivable. And I completely own this decision.

For my parents, this was their first moment seeing their first grandchild. We pulled up and saw as they excitedly ran out of the house, 2m away from the car window, staring longingly at little Sidney.

My Dad asked if I would get out of the car so he could give me a hug. I shook my head. He had recovered from pneumonia only months earlier, no way was I risking being in close contact with him. I can’t describe the pit in my stomach saying no, and seeing the disappointment on his face. It was horrible to see but I had to stick to our decision and not risk anyone. He knows in normal circumstances I would never withhold a cuddle.

Sidney met everyone close to him through the window and garden visits. A peer into the pram if he was asleep, or watching as Mike or myself held him up into view.

There were pros and cons to all of this.

I think it was 3 months in before my parents got the chance to change his nappy. (I would call this a con, they would probably argue a pro!) But the point is, our family weren’t able to spend valuable time with him to see how he liked to be held, or burped, or his favourite position to try to get to sleep. They hadn’t heard the songs we made up and sang to him. No one was coming round to the house in the day to look after Sidney for an hour or two so we could catch up on some much needed sleep. My husband and I were navigating parenting for the first time as just the two of us.

I’m told, we were lucky. We were lucky we were not inundated with visitors. I don’t know how I would have coped trying to entertain people at our home. I know people say you don’t have to, but I unfortunately will never be the person who sits there whilst you’re in my house and expects you to make yourself a drink. So in a way, lockdown was a benefit.

Having my husband at home and experiencing it all with me was the best thing to happen during Covid. He was there for bath times, the first smile, laugh, roll. We were a solid team in those first few weeks, Googling every baby related question and buying off Amazon every mentioned solution. They say having a baby in the house can really change the dynamics of your relationship, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt more in love with him than seeing him in his new role as Daddy and super husband to me.

Mike and I were able to learn on our feet. We weren’t told you have to do things this way or that way, as no one was here to implement that apart from us.

I found breast-feeding really hard (something I will probably eventually write about) but I was adamant I would stick to it. Lockdown meant I was able to spend lots of time skin to skin with Sidney trying to improve his latch, and really focus on our feeding journey. Something we’re still doing now.

I will never see Sidney’s birth as a negative time in my life. A worrying time maybe. Yes, it was not what we expected when we got pregnant, but it will still remain the happiest time of my life.

A couple of weeks after giving birth restrictions were starting to ease, but my anxiety about being around people didn’t. I think I got so used to our routine life of being at home, walks out in the pram, and garden visits that when rules became relaxed I panicked a little. I still get moments now when people are close to Sidney or cooing over him and I just hope that person is being sensible and surely they wouldn’t be near my baby or myself if they knew they could have Covid.

Daily life right now is all built on trust. We are all trying to carry on and bring back a sense of normality into our daily lives. However now there is this immense level of trust we all carry. Trust that the person next to you in a shop, in a restaurant or even on the pavement are being as safe as you are being.

There are friends who still haven’t met him. Family members who have been shielding and still haven’t had a hold. This breaks my heart. But I try to capture as much as I can, getting photos printed and sending things in the post.

There are days I worry about my Coronial. Is he going to be a clingy baby, who isn’t used to lots of people? Although he has formed an amazing bond with us, has he been able to form bonds with members of our family who he hasn’t been able to see as much of?

Is he bored of playing with Mummy? Are his toys boring him? Does he love all of the walks in the pram we do as much as I do, because some days there is literally nothing else we can do.

His baby classes on Zoom, does he know Mummy is following a class and she hasn’t just randomly decided to get out a tambourine and some wooden blocks and started shaking them around loudly on a Wednesday afternoon.

When he sees people they’re all wearing a mask. Is this always going to be the case for him, will he always have to try and read peoples expressions solely through their eyes? There’s often times when I pop my head into his pram, pull down my mask and remind him it’s just Mummy, in fear he could be scared or confused as to why I’m covering my face.

When I reflect and think about how I had 9 months to prepare for motherhood, and they say no matter how much time you have you’re never actually fully prepared for what it entails. Throw in Covid, and it’s been an absolute whirlwind. The absolute definition of something I could never have prepared for.

Covid has turned everyone’s worlds upside down. Yet all I can think about is how much I would have struggled not having Sidney here for it. Yes there are days where I panic, days when I’m anxious, days when I’m angry at this situation. I moan it’s unfair this is how my maternity leave has been spent. Days where I ask my husband 50 times do you think we’re going to lockdown again? But then I look at Sidney. And I see his smile. I see him starting to crawl this week and I’m baffled as to how he has developed a new skill without seeing someone else do it. I see that he’s happy, and that he is absolutely thriving. He isn’t affected by this. So I should ensure I’m not either. This is all he knows. He has his Mummy & Daddy with him every single day. With very little in life going on he has our absolute and undivided time and attention. And I realise what a magical time it is to be born, he has all he needs.