When Sidney was born the UK was in its first complete lockdown. I never expected my final months of pregnancy would be spent in the middle of a global pandemic.
I have always found it hard to express how it felt to suddenly be heavily pregnant and be in a global pandemic. It wasn’t the feeling of missing being out and about enjoying my pregnancy, or the cancelling of my baby shower. I think it was more the confidence and joy I felt during the first 7 months of my pregnancy, I suddenly felt vanish in a single speech by the Prime Minister.
I was in a meeting at work when Boris made his announcement. On leaving the room someone made a remark that they wouldn’t see me tomorrow. Pregnant women had been placed on the shielding list and had been advised to go home and stay home. I cleared my desk unsure of what tomorrow and the next day was going to bring and made my way home. Confused more than anything as to what was happening.
This was early March, I wasn’t due until the 28th April. Perhaps it was bad planning on my part but I hadn’t bought a nappy yet. The next day I went into Tesco’s and for the first time ventured down the baby aisle to buy some nappies. The aisle was completely bare.
I went up to the top floor of the store to buy some vests and baby grows. Again, nothing left. I’ll never forget, an old and frail lady approached me, put her hand into her trolley, picked up some antibacterial wipes and said, “Here love, have these, there are none left on the shelf”. She must have been in her 80s, and she was concerned about me!
I left the store, got back into my car, called my husband and sobbed. I sobbed due to panic, I sobbed due to my sky high anxiety, and I also shed a tear at the kindness of that woman. Who in that moment, thought of anything she could do to try to make something a little bit better. Who was selfless whilst so many around us were being selfish.
I still get angry thinking back to people who were hoarding baby supplies and essentials. There are people who cannot afford to stockpile, they live day to day, week to week. They can only afford what they buy during their weekly shop, they cannot afford to buy additional and buy extra. How was it fair on those people who struggle to make ends meet that they now were unable to buy the essentials they need. I felt physically sick because I knew how it was making me feel, what about those who were not as lucky. Those who genuinely could not afford to pay a higher inflated price for nappies online during this time. It still makes me anxious writing it now. That people could be so selfish and forget the people around them.
Supplies was one element, being at home and shielding after being placed on the vulnerable list was another.
Yes there were comments of reassurance of having to now shield such as, “don’t worry this means you can just stay home now until the baby is here”, and “you can hibernate which is exactly what you want to do at this stage”. But that really wasn’t what I wanted. That wasn’t me. I was propelled into this home bound life. Shielding from everyone. The more you’re on your own and away from your day to day, the more you have time to just think. And by think, often overthink.
I found it was the complete unknown of how the virus effected pregnant women and their babies, which worried me the most. I was reassured by the thought that they’re never going to trial anything on a pregnant woman. So asking them to shield, was probably a just incase, rather than a direct threat.
Friends and family mean well, but sharing articles about birthing alone, or a pregnant midwife dying with the virus are not the thing to share ever. Unless there’s a positive ending, don’t do it. I’m not saying only send pregnant women great news covered in glitter, but just think before you share. That goes to everyone to be honest, you don’t know how frightened someone might be right now, or not coping during Covid. Find and share positivity wherever you can.
Little things I never considered until they happened, such as, my husband accompanying me to my midwife appointments. I was 7 months in and pretty well versed on these check ups, I suddenly felt so alone in the corridor waiting. Making notes on my phone of questions to ask, and things to remember so I could update Mike easily. I always found when Mike was with me, he helped me to ask questions I struggled to ask or felt a little bit more on the fence to ask. He brought out my confidence, and assured me to ask the questions I thought were probably ridiculous. As soon as he was unable to come, I found myself becoming a yes woman to whatever I was being told.
I went from being completely chilled out, enjoying every second of pregnancy to suddenly being fiercely protective of my bump. I suppose this was a lot to do with the unknown of the virus, but I’d kept him safe in there the last 7 months, I wasn’t going to do anything to throw that away now. Then there was a sense of but this really isn’t in my control. Something I have always, and will always struggle to deal with.
Daily I’d see new articles being posted online about women having to birth alone without their partners, birth centres being closed, having to move hospitals, petitions being shared. NCT classes were cancelled and now on Zoom. It was all a time of chaos and panic, and anxiety which I wish could have been avoided.
The end of my pregnancy was not what I expected. However, I am here. My little boy is here. We are both fine. On reflection, it is important to understand unexpected things will always happen and continue to happen in all of our lives. This virus is not going anywhere any time soon. 6 months on we’re back in lockdown. I often worry, what does Sidney think this is, but I think I’ll try and tackle that one another time.
For a future Mama who may be worried about staying safe during their final trimester, or feeling like they’re missing out, or about giving birth in the current situation. It is important to realise in todays current climate the only thing that is in our control is how you choose to handle these events. Most importantly, all your little one really needs is you.
All of the fear, and doubt, and uncertainty suddenly disappeared the moment my little Sidney was placed in my arms.
Looking back now, I hope these unexpected events helped set me up to be a Mother, and how to parent in a pandemic, rather than set me back.
